Ending Thoughts

Overall I enjoyed reading this novel and was glad I chose it as my ISU novel, until reading the last few chapters. I can understand that some people may believe that Colin McAdam chose to leave what happened to Fall to the reader's imagination, but I found that a lazy excuse for the author's obvious negligence of satisfying readers, and his inability to create a worthy conclusion. For over half the book, readers contemplate what has happened to Fall, where is she, is she dead, and anxiously await the answers to these questions. Sorry readers but do not expect to get your answers. The ending of a novel normally explains what has happened, and gives readers a sense of closure. Again readers, sorry to be a buzz kill, but do not have such high expectations, obviously Colin McAdam could not even feign competence by creating a true ending for his characters. This novel built up Fall's disappearance for over half the novel, only not to explain it. That is not leaving her death to my imagination, that is just frustrating. I believe it would be right to compare Colin McAdam to Polonius from Hamlet, both characters grab your attention, promising an exciting story, insistently promising to fulfil your needs and answer your questions, then only to have the result of all of their talk be completely irrelevant rubbish. However I am sure that in this current day and age there must some product that Colin McAdam can use to become a more competent writer, though I am doubtful. I would advise him to study the works of Dr. Seuss, at least that man has enough respect for his readers, to supply the world's three year olds, an ending to their stories. 

Tie Together Loose Ends

The ending of the novel Fall leaves many question unanswered and so I attempted to infer some things that I believe happened and connect the remaining dots. I believe that Noel had killed Fall while with her at the lake but his mind refused to accept this fact which is why it is never said in the novel. "You had to get something off your chest. You told her she was gorgeous. She didn't react well, you had a little tussle. All accidental. I did not. You hurt her. Where?" (McAdam 335). The reason I found this quote important because when the leading officer states that Noel hurt Fall, Noel does not deny is but simply asks "Where?". Someone who was innocent would most likely be angry at being accused of killing someone and say that they were innocent, Noel seems to shut down completely and does not try to deny the officers accusations. 

I also believe that this is not the first time that Noel has killed someone. At the beginning of the novel Noel makes reference to the girl he had met while in Australia, Meg, and gives a brief narrative of their relationship. At the end of their encounter, Meg disappears the next day, very similar to how Fall disappeared after he had confronted her about his feelings for her. Several lines make me believe this, such as; "I felt like she could see all my secrets" (McAdam 50), "I wanted to meet her and do it right this time, be kinder or better with my hands."(McAdam 50), "When I left her on the beach I don't think I scared her, but I wanted to make sure" (McAdam 50). The first line Noel is referring to his mother and saying that before he left to go back to school, he thought that his mother was able to see all of his secrets. This line struck me as odd because what secrets does Noel have to hide that would make him so upset that he nearly cries. Noel had just left Meg and then the next days he begins to talk about secrets which leads me to believe that he killed her. The next line I chose because he says that he wishes he had been nicer, implying that he had been rough or even violent towards her. The final line was the most obvious to me because Noel states that he is afraid that he may have scared her. Well with the situation they had been in the only way that I can think of for how Noel could have scared Meg is by acting violently. 

Finally I believe that the letters may act a trophy, or a way that his mind copes with the fact that he can not control his actions. After the disappearance of Meg, Noel decides to write her a letter basically apologizing for how he acted, saying that he cares about her. After the disappearance of Fall, Noel keeps the final letter that Fall had written to Julius. I believe that he wrote the letter to Meg as a sign of remorse for what he did and it was the way that his mind coped with what he had done. I believe he kept Fall's final letter as a way to keep her memory alive and to let himself refuse to admit what he had done and say that she had ran away. 

Lost in Lies

"He says you spent a maximum of two hours alone with Fall in her life. He says she barely knew you. You went to a café with her once. Julius doesn't know everything. He says Fall thought you were a creep. She said you made her really uncomfortable at the café. No she didn't." (McAdam 335). 

No matter how bad the situation becomes, Noel refuses to admit that he was wrong or did something wrong. Even after his fallout with Fall, Noel refuses to accept, even to himself, that he may have taken is actions to far. His mind refuses to accept that he is not perfect, or to accept that he may not have known Fall as deeply as he believes. Noel craves perfection more than anything, which is one of the reasons that I believe he has become crazy. Noel cannot accept that he has made mistakes that cannot be changed and to deal with this fact he hides behind the character he portrays himself as, intelligent, athletic, perfect. I believe that this conversation may be one of Noel's final snapping points, Julius claiming that Fall did not care for Noel. I believe that Noel will go confront Julius and this will lead to a fight between the two. 

Love Letter Symbolism

I believe that the notes or letters passed between Fall and Julius in the novel Fall may be a symbol of love. There is love between Julius and Fall but Noel believes that the love is really meant for him. Fall and Julius pass letters to each other just as they love each other and Noel is the middle man who handles the letters, assuming that their love, mainly Fall's, is secretly directed to him. Noel eventually steals a letter Fall wrote for Julius, keeping Fall's love away from Julius and attempting to keep it for himself, but when Fall says that she does not feel that way towards him, he feels betrayed and acts out violently towards her. After her disappearance Noel hid the letter and forgot about it, just as he tried to forget about Fall and his love for her, and hide what he had done. When the letter is later found by police, the police realize that Noel had become obsessed, or in love, with the two, and Noel becomes the main suspect. 

Questions Continue

As the novel progresses and the search for Fall, or her body, continues more people begin to take notice of Noel's increasing obsession with Julius, including Julius himself. At this point in the novel Noel is being interrogated by the leading officer in Fall's case who begins to question him about his relationship with Fall and Julius. Julius tells the officer that he is uncomfortable with how Noel looks at him, and so the officer begins to question Noel what his feelings are for Julius. "Julius says you behave oddly sometimes. Look at him in strange ways while he gets dressed sometimes. What's that supposed to mean? Do you love him? No. It's nothing to be ashamed of. He's a handsome guy. I'm not homosexual." (McAdam 335).

At the beginning of the novel Noel was able to contain his emotions and obsessions in a less obvious way but as the story progresses he becomes more and more aggravated to the point where he cannot control himself. He tries to blame Julius for Falls disappearance but the officer sees through his lies and trusts Julius more than Noel. This helps to support my thought that Noel will attempt to get rid of or hurt Julius later in the novel. I believe that Noel will attempt to talk to Julius and a fight will occur which will cause Noel to badly injure or even kill Julius.

Start of Suspicion

As months go by and Fall is still missing the leading officer in her case begins to spend a lot of time interrogating Noel. At first Noel is cautious of what he says and how he acts. At first he attempts to portray the image of someone who lost a dear friend and is worried of the well being of Julius, but as the interviews increase in frequency, his jealousy becomes extremely prevalent. Noel begins to tell the officer that he believes that Julius may have had something to do with Falls disappearance and claims that Fall was scared of Julius and Julius made her do things that she did not want to. The officer listens to Noel's claims then mentions that they have found the letter Fall wrote to Julius, saying to meet her on the day of her disappearance, hidden in Noel's things. The officer begins to question Noel as a suspect instead of an innocent bystander. "I'm not hiding anything. I just wonder what he thinks of my having the note. Did you let him read it? I'm sorry I never let him read it. Your sorry? Tell me why you had the note." (McAdam 334). 

Noel is so confident with himself that he does not hesitate to talk to the officer, he believes himself to be more intelligent than everyone involved, that he is untouchable. This cockiness is what causes him to get caught with the letter that ties him to Falls disappearance and makes him a lead suspect. I believe that this will lead him to either be arrested for the death of Fall or that he will act violently towards Julius, and blame Julius for everything that has occurred. 

Social Criticism

Many people go through high school hating every second and wishing for nothing else but to be done with it, the lucky few manage to turn high school into a good experience. High school is supposed to be a place of learning, but for many people becomes a form of prison. Between the work, drama, bullies, lies and shattered hearts many people become unable to deal with the various pressures and do anything in their power to escape. Some however, for whatever reasons, reach their mental breaking point and snap. Their have been many cases of school violence and school shootings as a result of bullying and other in-school factors, such as the Columbine shooting, in which two "loners" opened fire on their peers and teachers. Several people were killed and many more were injured. 

I believe that the novel Fall may be a social criticism on how acts of bullying and emotional abuse are usually shrugged off, and rarely punished. People, bullies especially, rarely think about the longterm results their mockery might have on an individual. Noel was always bullied and to escape being bullied his mind began to create a different persona and reality of who he was. His mind took on the persona of the most popular boy in school, someone who would never be picked on. In the end he could no longer take it, instead of shooting up his school he began to slowly hurt the people around him. He was the cause of the death of an innocent girl, and caused the disfigurement of his roommate, someone he used to look up to.

Power Struggle

An obvious power struggle in this novel is between Noel and Julius. Julius has always had power over Noel because of his high social status and because he is dating Fall, the most popular girl in school, who Noel also loves. Despite Julius having power of Noel, Julius is oblivious to what is going around him such as Noels advances towards and fantasies about Fall. Noel on the other hand, because he does not have Fall he becomes obsessed and tries to do whatever he can to get her attention. Noel attempts to become Julius because of his obsession and begins to wear Julius's clothes and even refer to himself as Julius around strangers. He tells himself that he is, if not better than, Julius. Despite his best efforts though Fall can easily see the difference and refuses to acknowledge Noels advances which eventually is believed to have lead to her disappearance and premature death. 

The power struggle between two high school boys over a girl, originally seemed like a harmless game, but eventually lead to the assumed death of an innocent girl, the disfiguration of an innocent boy, and a futureless life for a boy who should have had his entire life ahead of him.   

Proof!

"Julius says you behave oddly sometimes. Look at him in strange ways while he gets dressed sometimes. What's that supposed to mean? Do you love him? No. It's nothing to be ashamed of. He's a handsome guy. I'm not homosexual." (McAdam 335).

As the novel progresses and the search for Fall continues more people begin to take notice of Noel's increasing obsession with Julius, including Julius himself. At this point in the novel Noel is being interrogated by the leading officer in Fall's case who begins to question him about his relationship with Fall and Julius. Julius tells the officer that he is uncomfortable with how Noel looks at him, and so the officer begins to question Noel what his feelings are for Julius. 

At the beginning of the novel Noel was able to contain his emotions and obsessions in a less obvious way but as the story progresses he becomes more and more aggravated to the point where he cannot control himself. This helps to support my thought that Noel will attempt to get rid of or hurt Julius later in the novel. 

All Logic Lost

I believe that one of the most important quotes I have come across so far, refers to a paragraph describing Noel, going out for coffee, alone. "I was wearing a pair of Julius's trousers- simple grey funnels- and a pair of his shoes as well. The shoes never felt like my own because of the imprint of his toes, but I always felt like his trousers could be his and mine together. I continue to believe that there can be an intimacy between two people that is simpler and subtler that the social mind or words like "love" or "friendship" can ever adequately encompass. It is there in the feeling of flannel on thigh, and even to describe it as intimacy is to summon it from the dictionary, where all good feelings have died. When my drink was ready, the girl behind the counter shouted, "Hot chocolate for Julius!" and I smiled and took my cup." (Mcadam 264).

Once again this paragraph proves Noel's faltering mental stability. Noel's obsession for Julius has again grown drastically. Not only has Noel lied to Julius, stolen, and used his things such as clothing and lighters, and worst of all hurt Fall, now Noel has begun to lie about who he is, calling himself Julius. His obsession with the two has turned from harmless fantasy to Schizophrenic and sociopathic behaviour. 

This paragraph ties in to the previous blogs I made comparing the novel Fall with the movie "The Roommate" and also the blog I made on why there was a lot of controversy during Elizabethan times, when it came to acting and taking on the role of someone else. Noel clearly is no longer able to discern the line between what is reality and what is fantasy. I had predicted that he would become mentally unstable and would not be able to contain his feelings and anger, and I believe now that he believes he is Julius, he will do whatever he can to get rid of his remaining competition, the real Julius. 

Noel has no boundaries and has a habit of getting rid of anyone who opposes him, first when he attacks Anderson, "We're all looking and there's your roommate with this swelling crazy eye and a mouthful of Andersons flesh...There's something I don't trust. You had to see it J" (McAdam 113), then later when he assaults Fall "She kept turing her face away from my mouth and all I wanted to do was convince her. I was pushing her backward- forward in my mind- and she tried to get around me" (McAdam 176). I believe that Julius will attempt to confront Noel about his actions and Noel will not be able to take it, Noel will finally snap and try to get rid of Julius as well.  

Shades of Fall

Once again Fall begins to show an entire new side to her, proving she is not as innocent as she seems. For their anniversary Julius's father's limo driver, William, allowed Fall and Julius to have his apartment all to themselves. Fall and Julius decide to go out for dinner at a Korean restaurant they had never been to. There they meet a couple and proceed to have a small conversation with them. Julius gets up to use the washroom and when he gets back the couple is gone. He mentions this to Fall who proceeds to tell him that the husband had been hitting on her while Julius was in the washroom, and while his wife paid the bill, "His wife's looking down, paying the bill and I look over at them, right. And I caught his eye for a second and he's looking at me and he's going like this: You're Hot." (McAdam 241). When Julius hears this he begins to get angry and proceeds to say "I'm gonna kick his ass" (McAdam 241), only to have Fall urge him on saying he should and beginning to laugh while showing Julius the card that the husband gave her, that had his number on it. Julius outraged wants to call him but Fall does instead, pretending that she wants to meet him and saying "I hope I've reached Sean McAdams. You left me your card earlier tonight and I don't know I wanted to talk to you as soon as I was alone. … I can't leave you my number in case my boyfriend answers so maybe I'll try again later." (McAdam 243). Fall begins to treat this as a game and does not care that she is making Julius jealous or could have just ruined a man's marriage. To Fall everything revolves around her and she does whatever, and acts however she wants with out considering the consequences. This again proves that perhaps Fall is the problem, not Noel or Julius, and perhaps the reason the author does not write from her perspective is because the boys are completely oblivious to her true self. 

Poison in Fall

Earlier in the novel the author made what seemed like a simple quote "I like apples" (McAdam 127), but if readers think about that quote on a different level, and dissect its many other meanings, they would be able to see a connection to childhood stories and begin to see an entire new meaning. The classic childhood fable of Snow White dispels the simplicity of an apple and proves it to also be an infectious and poisonous thing. The story of Snow White can tie into the novel Fall by providing a contrary look at the character Fall. 

On page 127 Julius states he likes apples, a very simple thing, he then goes to describe how "Fall's hand will pick up the simplest thing in the world,  her thumb and perfect pointer, and plop the simplest thing in the world, pip, right in my mouth at the back of my tongue because simple is breathing not eating." (McAdam 127). If we take into account what we have learned from Snow White, we can begin to see that perhaps Fall is not as perfect as both boys describe her. 

During the novel we are never told the story from Fall's perspective, Noel, Julius and even limo driver, William, share the story from their perspective but never Fall. Readers have already been shown that Fall is very capable of lying, when she lied to Julius about her plans to go shopping with Noel, and that she can be very persuasive, especially because of her sexual relationship with Julius. All of these factors have led me to take that quote from Julius in a very different way, perhaps Fall has been poisoning Julius and Noel, with what seem like the simplest actions. Perhaps Fall is not an innocent girl, being fought over by two men, but a puppeteer, playing with the hearts of week boys.

Far From a Winter Wonderland

After the fallout between Noel and Fall, Julius is concerned that Fall did not meet him and asks Noel if he has seen her, Noel says that he has not seen her and proceeds to avoid him. After fall denied Noel, he was so angry that he took Fall's crutches and threw them in the lake, leaving her alone, injured, in the snow, far from the rest of the school. Fall did not go back to her room and missed all the rest of the classes for that week. Julius and Fall's best friend begin to worry about her and call her home but there is no answer, and go to her house only to find all the lights off and the doors locked. Not even the school knows what to do about the missing Fall, since they cannot reach her mother, and everyone agrees since Christmas break is only 2 weeks away it would be an odd time to go for a vacation. While everyone is worried about Fall, Noel continues to avoid everyone and passes his time by getting drunk.

Once again as the winter weather enters the story we see another dramatic change to Noel. The first change we saw during the winter was Noel's metaphoric death of him becoming a stronger more confident person, proof of this is the dramatic physical change he underwent by working out and also mental change, after having his first true sexual encounter in Australia. The change that we see this winter, within Noel, is the metaphoric death of his compassion for Fall. Noel has always spoken highly of Fall and has been obsessed with knowing every detail of her, but after having her deny him and him becoming violent towards her, he refuses to think, or look for her, and chooses to get drunk instead. Now readers are seeing a completely new, savage version of Noel, if he regrets what he did he does not admit it to himself, and if he is concerned about Fall and what has happened to her he does not seem to show it. Noel has become completely selfish and has no morality for what he has done. Julius on the other hand has done nothing but worry about Fall, he has done everything he can from trying to search the school, drive to her home, and has asked everyone if they have seen her. This also ties into the perdition made by Chuck in Chapter 2 when he says that there is something about Noel that he just does not trust, "There's something I don't trust. You had to see it J" (McAdam 113). Chuck tried to tell Julius about his suspicion but Julius would not listen, maybe if he had Fall would not be missing.

With the last scene involving Fall being her stuck in a secluded forest, injured and alone, far from any of the campus buildings, I can only predict that something grim has happened to her. My reasoning for this assumption is that Fall cares for Julius and her best friend Sarah, so for her to leave without saying goodbye does not fit the persona the author has depicted throughout the story. Also Fall was always chiding Julius for skipping classes and was a very intelligent and diligent student, and so it is unusual for her to not attend class.

Elizabethan concept applied

The strong negative opinions developed during the Elizabethan times towards acting and taking on the role or life of someone that is not your own, can easily be tied into the previous scene of Noel because it shows how a person may become confused with what is fiction and what is reality. If a person spends a lot of time pretending to be someone or acting a certain way, the mind may begin to blur the originally distinct personal persona and slowly erase that defined sense of self. Several outside examples where this theory has been proven true are the death of Heath Ledger, the movie Inception and also the saying "If you tell a lie enough times, you will begin to believe it."

The tragic accidental death of young actor Heath Ledger is and example of how taking on the persona or life of a different person or character can prove to be deadly. Heath Ledger can be used as an example because of his part in the movie Black Knight, the role that led to his accidental death. In the movie Black Knight Heath Ledger played a psychopathic killer with a dark past of abuse. It was said that as a result of having to emerge himself in this psychopathic role everyday cause Heath to develop difficulty sleeping, and a large amount of anxiety which led him to be on various prescribed medication. "Last week I probably sleep an average of two hours a night… I couldn't stop thinking " said Heath to a reporter from the New York times. A few weeks before the opening release of the Dark Knight, Heath died in his Manhattan apartment on January 22, 2008, the cause of his death was an overdose of prescription drugs that included painkillers, sleeping pills and anti-anxiety medication. This is an example of how acting or taking on the role of someone else can be deadly because Heath became so caught up with his role, The Joker, that he began to loose sight that it was just a role he was playing. He began to develop severe anxiety and sleep problems which led to him use any means necessary to allow him to rest, until it finally cause him to overdose and die. 

In the movie Inception, one of the significant details to the story is the characters ability to completely loose sight of reality. In the movie main characters Cobb and his wife, Mal, create an imaginary world for the two of them. Cobb begins to grow tired of this imaginary world and misses his children so he plants the thought in his wife's head that this world is not real and the only way to escape it is death. When Cobb and his wife enter the real world she is still convinced that this world is not real and that they both must kill themselves in order to return to the real world to see their children. Cobb tries to convince her that the world they are in is real but to no avail, Mal commits suicide by jumping off a building in front of Cobb. This shows how easily people may become confused with what is fiction and what is reality. Mal's mind had become so warped, and had thought that this world is not real so often that she eventually believed it and killed herself as a result. 

The saying "If you tell a lie enough times, you will begin to believe it" pertains to Noel in this situation because he had told himself over and over that Fall cares about him and loves him and that he is better than Julius. The more Noel said these the worse his obsession grew and the more he believed what he was saying. Noel had convinced himself all of these supposed facts by telling himself these things on a daily basis. This is the case with most lies, people continually tell the lie when asked and eventually the answer becomes so automatic that the person begins to believe it. 

In conclusion the negative opinions developed during the Elizabethan times towards acting and taking on the role or life of someone that is not your own can be tied to the situation the Noel was in because it shows how confused and wrapped a person's mind may become when taking on the role of someone else, or constantly lying to themselves.

Noel Vs Rebecca

Many books and movies have been written of characters who try to assume the role and life of someone else. Some of these swaps become successful learning experiences, while others become violent. The novel Fall is no different from the life swap phenomenon. Noel wants everything Julius has, especially his girlfriend Fall, and now there close friendship only fuels Noels obsession. 

When Julius is away from school for the weekend Noel has taken up a habit of dressing in Julius' clothes, smelling the clothes that Julius has worn while with Fall and doing whatever he can to spend time with Fall. Now that Noel is good friends with Julius he has finally started talking to Fall, and she has even asked him to go shopping with her to buy a present for Julius. As harmless as these occurrences may seem to Fall they have become distorted in Noel's mind, every conversation, every smile, every glance has become something more private and sensual then originally intended. 

As Julius's and Fall's one year anniversary approaches Fall slips a letter in the boy's room telling Julius to meet her the first day of school after there romantic weekend. Noel sees the letter and decides to hide it from Julius. When the day specified in the letter approaches Noel dresses in Julius' clothes and goes to meet Fall instead. His thoughts become so warped that he has convinced himself that Fall loves him and tries to force himself on her by grabbing her and kissing her, refusing to let go. When Fall denies him he becomes frustrated and violent. He returns back to his room only to have Julius ask him if he has seen Fall. 

These few scenes strongly remind me of the movie The Roommate. 

              Similarities                    Differences

- Roommate becomes jealous of the other - Takes place in University

- Roommate begins to dress and act like the other  - The two roommates are girls

- Roommate begins to act violently                 - Roommate kills all competition 

- In the roommate's eyes, the object of their desire

 feels the same way about them

- Friends become suspicious of the roommate

Fighting for Fall

As the story progresses, readers are continually shown the inner wants and conflicts of main character Noel. 

The beginning few chapters of Fall make reference to Noels secret feelings for Fall. Fall is the girlfriend of Noel's new roommate, Julius, and even though Noel has never spoken to Fall he still has very deep feelings for her. This was not a problem at the beginning of the book because the two boys had never spoken with each other, let alone been friends, but as time passes, the two boys begin to talk and start to become close. Julius entrusts in Noel all his inner fears and insecurities, including his love for Fall and fear that he will lose her. Noel takes all this news in and says the appropriate advice a friend would give but does not tell Julius about his feelings for Fall. Noel is torn between his inner conflicts of betraying his new friend by making a pass at the girl of his dreams, or staying true to his new friendship and accepting that Fall is with someone else.

I believe that this inner conflict foreshadows events that may occur later in the story. In my opinion Noel's inner conflict foreshadows a possible fight between Noel and Julius for Fall. Let the best man win.

Symbols so far

An important symbol that I found in the beginning chapters of Fall is Noels transformation. Noel leaves boarding school for Canadian Christmas break (winter) to visit his family in Australia, where it is summer time. This ties into the patterns of literature chart we learned, where winter symbolizes a metaphoric death and summer symbolizes maturing. The symbolic chart ties into the change that, main character, Noel goes through by using the setting to emphasize the metaphoric change that occurs.

When Noel left for Christmas break he was considered weak both physically and emotionally. He had no friends and rarely talked to anyone. During his Christmas break he went to Australia where it was summer, there he underwent an enormous change both physically and mentally. He began working out daily, pushing himself to new limits, and met a girl, who he shared a short graphic night with. When he returned to school the following semester, the weak character he used to be had died and he had become a new stronger Noel. 

Fall by Colin McAdam #2

In the first chapter of Fall by Colin McAdam we are introduced to the main characters, given some background information for each one, and are also told of some experiences they have gone through. The line that caught my attention most, was when Noel was reminiscing on his last summer break at home in Australia.

"I think about that summer so often. It changed when I spoke about it, when I told Julius about it the following year. That summer is when I began to change and develop some strength" (McAdam 51).

The quote given by Noel talks about how after that summer he began to change as a person and became a stronger individual. This line spoke to me because I believe that it accurately portrays what most teens experience. Summer is a time when people learn and grow, they spend time on their own and can come to terms with themselves and realize what they want to aspire to become. Each new school year is a new beginning, after a summer spent away from all your peers, a person can come back completely reformed, build a new persona, and create new higher ambitions for themselves.

Fall by Colin McAdam

The novel that I have chosen for my ISU blog is Fall by Colin McAdam. The novel was published June 25th, 2009, by Riverhead Hardcover and is 368 pages long.

My reading plan for this novel is to at least read 5 chapters each week.